Lizz Winstead at Caroline's Comedy Nation, 2.6.98: A Review
Friday, February 6, 1998. I had planned for this day weeks in advance. I held reservation number 1A, and got time extra early to receive seating number 2. Then, at 7:45, I was escorted to a seat right across from the stage. The show officially started at 8:05. J.R. Havlan came out, then Jim "Saturn Hawker" Gaffigan did his thing. Finally, at 8:51 pm, the headliner, Lizz Winstead, made her way onto the stage. It would be the first time I'd see her perform stand-up in person. mean, I've seen her do stand-up on TV several times, but of course, it's always better when you're seeing it in person! Either way, she's brilliantly funny. I could tell she was in the room earlier in the hour during J.R. Havlan's set. From the back, I heard a familiar cackle. I knew that cackle. I turned my head, and sure enough, there was Lizz, sitting in the back of the room. She might not have noticed me then, but she sure did notice me during her 40-minute set. I'll get to that later.
So, anyway, Lizz got on stage and, what can I tell you, she was amazing, as always. She's like a bundle of nerves just waiting to explode! As you might expect, she had plenty of material on the President Clinton intern scandal. Here are some excerpts from her set:
"This Linda Tripp is a horror show to look at. She makes Janet Reno look like Pamela Lee... I want you all to go home at some point and find a picture of Linda Tripp, and then find a picture of Donald Trump... and draw a hair like that on him, because it's the same person."
"I remember specifically when I lost my virginity: December 13, 1978. I can't believe most people don't remember it... Mine wasn't so great. It was weird, though. Because it was kinda like the Kennedy assassination... Well, it started out on the Grassy Knoll... ended up in the back of a Convertible... and we're not sure how many shots were fired... But if you look at the film, you can actually see my head lurch back..."
"I went to the doctor... I got a prescription. It was $95 for six pills. At one point, you're like, 'Do I take the pills, or mount them in a Tiffany setting?'"
"Men go apeshit with sports. have you ever been in a room where a bunch of guys are watching football on TV, and they high-fived each other like they somehow helped with the play?"
So, during the first five minutes of the show, she saw me in the audience and noticed I was wearing a Howard Stern T-shirt. Actually, on the front and back, it read "Howard Stern For Governor" with a picture of the King Of All Media. Here is a transcript of how that went:
LIZZ: Are you wearing a Howard Stern T-shirt?
ME: Yeah. You like Howard Stern?
LIZZ: I don't know... I don't think much about it, actually. I've never listened to it. I'm sleeping, or it's whatever. He's very poopy, right? He says a lot of poopy things? Right? ... I don't know. I mean, I swear to God, I am the person on the planet who doesn't know a thing about Howard Stern, other than there's always like big poopy scandal... There's this thing on while Howard's on called the news... that sometimes I listen to. So, anyway... Oh, are you the person that's always around with tape recorders and things? No, okay. See, he's those benchmen that's always around, isn't he? ... that crawl up and scream... Bababooey, or what is that? What do they yell?
LIZZ: Well, you can't help it when you're the fucking Flight 800 crash and some asshole calls up, "Hey, I'm funny during a horrible disaster!"
After she finished her set, I walked over to Lizz gleefully. I said hello, and told her how amazing her set was. Then I offered to take her to lunch. She said, "I can't", but I assured her that it wouldn't be a relationship kind of thing. Then I told her that she would be the next Seinfeld, and that she will go far, and then I called her Miss Thang. Then I offered lunch once again, and she declined once again. So I said goodbye, kissed her twice on the cheek, and then I clumsily stumbled onto the stage on my way out. Some might think I made an ass out of myself then, trying to get attention, big-ass Howard Stern shirt, but I didn't care. I saw Lizz Winstead do stand-up in person for the first time ever. I saw. I conquered. I came.
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